Dinner

In response to Randy's ever so delectable lunch course, I decided to respond with my dinner for the evening.

On the menu: Feta and Spinach Stuffed Chicken Breast, Lemon Pepper Green Beans, and Jasmine Rice. Paired with a 2005 Cabernet Sauvignon.

I don't really feel like elaborating on the process at this point. It was fairly easy to prepare. I topped it with a mushroom red wine "gravy" (the recipe called for white wine but I simply don't drink white wine so there was none to spare). This addition, which is not pictured, actually was unnecessary for the success of the dish. I would have much rather just squeezed a little fresh lemon juice on top. Overall though, it was a success.

I do wish I had some t.p. zips tea to finish it off, though.

Lunch

Boy do I have a treat for you. Let's say you have an opportunity to have an extended lunch one day, and you really want to give it a go.

Try this:

Get some of that wheat multi-grain sandwich bread from the local grocer, and pop two slices into the toaster. Key timing issue here: while bread is toasting, immediately prepare 1 large cup full of pg tips tea. While the teamaker gets to work, reach into the fridge and grab your deli-cut choice of meat and cheese. This time I went with Sante Fe Turkey (sliced thin of course) with fairly thickly sliced Baby Swiss. The Baby Swiss s a young, semi-soft whole milk cheese distinguishable by its myriad of small holes. The cheese is closely related to Swiss cheese, but has a very mild taste, with a buttery aroma. You likely will have forgotten about your toasting bread by now, so when it surprisingly pops up, it will be just a hair more toasted than you would have liked, which is actually a good thing for this delicate meal. Compile your sandwich, topping it with a few thin rings of fresh onion and a thin strip or two of spicy brown deli mustard (optional suggestion: try to throw the mustard on the cheese side, for a nice pairing of flavors). Be sure to cut the sandwich corner to corner with a sharp knife.

Grab your favorite french onion dip and slap a spoonful or two onto some ruffles (healthy alternative: try the baked lays ruffles, and trust me, they didn't take out the flavor, these chips are delicious). Grab a pickle or two and throw it on the plate to really fill out your meal. By now, the pg tips tea is coming around. The next step is probably the most critical of the entire preparation. Grab a decent sized coffee mug, and first, fill it about a quarter full of skim milk, then quickly pour the pg tips on the milk. You won't need to stir it at all, and the addition of the tea to the milk, and not the other way around, really activates the taste. Pretty soon, you'll be able to tell the quality of the tea, just from the color. Your lunch is nearly set. If your wife knows that you occasionally have a sweet tooth and leaves a couple starburst by the table, grab a few to really set your meal off.

Now onto the eating. Start with a half of a pickle, to cleanse that pallet, then dig right into the first half of your sandwich. You'll be surprised to note that the french onion dip on your plate is still chilled. Mix it up with a few slurps of your pg tips, and maybe even take another pickle break, before diving in to finish off the sandwich. Now that your plate is clean, you might have thought ahead enough to brew two cups of tea, so you can enjoy a few moments with a second cup. This serves as a good time to plan out the rest of your day, prioritize a few things you need to get done, and even think about what you might cook for dinner. Then it's back to work.

Looney Tunes

So after a mildly long day of work yesterday, I decided to finally stop by the record store that is 2 minutes from my place of living, appropriately titled "Looney Tunes" (the store, not my apartment). I was thumbing through some records and happened across a large, nearly complete section of John Lennon's solo material, which I had long since wanted to get into, and largely avoided because I wanted to give it a fair shake under optimal conditions. I mean I love Beatles-era Paulie Mac, but his solo-ish work in the 70's was pretty bad. Could Lennon's post-Beatles music be as inversely proportional to his own Beatles counterparts'? As I tried to find one that didn't have yoko ono's dumb face plastered all over it, a Large Unidentified Man standing next to me butted into my mental conversation and quietly said: "(gruff mexican accent) You know Double Fantasy is a pretty good one, man." The first thing I noticed was how physically imposing this dude was, so even before face contact I was ready to agree with his opinion. I turned and faced him, and immediately said, "Are you fucking Benecio del Toro?!" And he answers, "Yeah I am man, and Double Fantasy is a pretty good record," then turns and walks right through the store and out the door. I was pretty angry later that I forgot to ask if he was going to vegas to croak a scag baron named Savage Henry, or if he was one toke over the line, or if he was tired of being Hunted by Tommy Lee Jones, or if he was sick of going undercover to stop the drug Traffic, or regretted taunting that samurai bitch when he was in sin city. But alas, I didn't get to. Apparently, he and his amazingly gruff beard are in town bumpin his new yawn-fest: the 5-hour, 2-part, Steven Soderbergh-directed biopic about Che Guevara.

So as if this isn't cool enough, as he walks out, he calls to the store owner, "Hey pal, Johnny's comin in a little later with his list of records he's looking for." Before I could even seriously consider that Johnny being THE Johnny, some a-hole in the store calls his girlfriend and loudly blabs, "Johnny-effin-Depp is about to be heeh in Looney Tooons, cahl ya friends ovah." The store owner gets pissed, and kicks every body out of the store, and flips the closed sign. I decided to wait out there to try to get a glimpse of Depp, and in the next 15 minutes, there is no less than 35-40 people gathered outside the store front. Then, like a true movie moment in near slow-motion, Johnny Depp rounds the corner onto the block, and our mob goes absolutely ape shit bananas and literally starts to charge at him. Apparently thinking that he is totally incognito, he turns and runs back in the direction he came from, and we are chasing him! People have their phones out, and the local bank security guard who stands outside starts yelling into his radio, and then the worst happens. A girl leading the pack darts out into the street to avoid a large snow embankment and hopefully overtake Depp (who was surprising slow) and she is immediately on top of the hood of the car, which brakes, sending the fan flying off onto the pavement, screaming in agony and covered in mudd, snow, and street. Johnny turns around, runs toward the girl, reaches in his pocket for his phone, and dials 911, practically screaming into the receiver. The 911 lady clearly does not know who she's talking to, and they begin an exchange which ends with Depp yelling "How the fuck should I know where I am, it's fucking 2009, can't you trace my bloody call?!?" and throws his phone down, trying to help his now potentially-vegetated fan to her feet. He asks her if she needs mouth-to-mouth and she starts to laugh and asks, "Could you?" to which he responds, "Well I don't think it'll do much good at this point, but I can sure try." Which he didn't. Having captured most of this on my phone, I began to hear police sirens and lose interest, so I jetted.

Later that night, I saw on the local news that the girl died of complications to her internal organs, namely her kidney, which ruptures fairly easily upon impact and can't be imaged by any normal means, and so went untreated for 5 hours, until she just atrophied from internal bleeding.

As if this story simply could not get any stranger, LATER THAT SAME NIGHT, tam and I decided to grab some drinks at the closest bar to my place, and run into none other than Depp and del Toro, buying all the inhabitants of the small bar drinks. I think because he killed that girl.






OK:
Vote in the comments, u on exactly how much of this you think is true.

Legal Murder

So, Kyle and I were at this new bar in town last night having a few fancy beers followed by a few dollar Pabsti when we instinctively and characteristically began discussing murder. There was a small bit of push and pull before we arrived at a gentlemans' agreement. We decided that the murder of a human being at the hand of another should be recognized by all levels of the judicial system as a legal act so long as the following circumstances are strictly met:

1.) The victim must be shot through the heart with an arrow. The accuracy of the shot is extremetly important. The shot must be centered. Expert. Clean.

2.) The murderer must have hand-made the bow and arrow used in the homicide. This stipulation subsumes the stripping and shaving of the wood, the spinning and stretching of the twine, the fashioning of the arrowhead, and lastly the addition of feathers for a better sail and festiveness (optional).

3.) The victim must have deserved his or her death. This is tricky as only a jury of the murderer's peers can conclude that said death was warranted. The jury must unanimously concur on this and the term "peers" means exactly what it sounds like. The jury does not consist of randomly selected strangers the murderer has never met, nor does it consist of personal friends (or anyone that might be considered a "friend" in any way for that matter), but simply peers the murderer knows in some way or the other. Kyle and I figured up the perfect jury for any of us (Kyle, Kevin, Randy, Max. Sorry Grant but we can't bring you along for this one) should we commit a legal homicide in this fashion. Here is the list of selected jury members:

1. Shane from Brighter Later
2. Yuki (Daiki's boyfriend)
3. Louie Anderson (5th floor Pomfret RA)
4. Bassy McBassfuck
5. T-Rex
6. Christie (Tamara's sophomore roommate)
7. Flo
8. Cord Baxter
9. "ROCK!" (Smiley guy who sucks from Pomfret)
10. Brianly's mom
11. Devron
12. Aaron Relic's girlfriend

I realize that you just read all that and it's astonishingly stupid. Thanks!

Skit Pitch.

So I was thinking of developing an idea based on the movie "3 Men and a Baby".

Very similar plot except the three men are God in three persons (not the father/son/holy spirit b.s., but perhaps just 3 dudes with different personalities. The baby is then obviously baby Jesus.

Any takers?

Hit me back, yall'z.

new lonely island- sequel to just two guys

2008: Biggest Surprises and Biggest Letdowns

I was really hoping that I'd have an opportunity to compile a "Best of" movie list before the new year, but there is simply too much to see before then. I then thought about listing out the biggest suck-fest movies of the year, but I'm not really one to pay to see a movie I know is going to, well, suck. I did not see Jumper, The Eye, College Road Trip, W., or The Love Guru (to name a brief few) because, quite frankly, there was no appeal. I really don't think my biases are keeping me from a worthwhile experience in any of these cases. By all means, please prove me wrong.

In lieu of not being fully equipped to bring the best/worst of the year, I'll hit your shit with what I felt were the biggest surprises and biggest letdowns.

Bad news first.

1. The X-Files: I Want to Believe
I will preface this by saying that on a scale of 1-10 for X-files nerdiness, I'm probably a solid 5 or 6. I used to watch the show very regularly in my childhood for the fright factor alone. As I matured, I continued watching as I began to increasingly understand the plots and themes better. I, like many people, stopped watching regularly during the last season when they kicked out Duchovney and replaced him with T-1000 (I mean, wtf right?). I never even knew how the series ended-a fact I could readily accept. That being said, I was moderatly surprised but also curious by the announcement of a new film story line that would be independent of the series. If the original producer and actors were on board, why wouldn't it work? Good question it turns out. From beginning to end the movie was extremely boring. There was little or no suspense, no dark humor, and no sexual tension between Molder and Scully. Maybe I missed something along the way but *Spoiler Alert* less than an hour into the movie it just shows them in bed together. I mean, I agree, it needed to happen...but the pay out was like a premature ejaculate all in the face of every "believer" out there. Anyway, long story short, I turned the movie off half way through because I was literally bored out of my mind. I could care less how it ended. I hope there was a giant space ship that destroyed the earth or something. At least then every fan would have some closure (though I'm sure the box office tank pretty much assures a fatality for sure).

2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I actually don't even want to analyze this. Taking a good actor/director combo and a solid franchise movie and trying to squeeze out another buck from the eager consumer is a great business plan. And hey, it worked. I just didn't like the movie at all. Trust me, I wanted to, but I just couldn't.

3. Hancock
Q: Kyle, do you like drinking alchol and using profain language? A: Hell yes.
Q: Kyle, do you like superheroes? A: Why yes I do.
Q: Kyle, do you like Will Smith? A: Fucking LOVE him.
Q: Kyle, did you like Hancock, a movie in which Will Smith plays an alcoholic and profain superhero? A: Mmmm, not so much.
Not the worst movie of the year, but just not as good as I would have liked. The formula was there, unfortunately everyone from top to bottom just fell through on execution.

Ok, out with the bad and in with the Good.

1. The Foot Fist Way
Ok, it was made in 2006 but it did not receive distribution until 2008 so back off fuckers. Danny Mcbride had a comedic coming out party in 2008 and this film displays his talents in full force. He is on screen for over 98% of the movie and thats about how much of the time I found myself laughing. While very raunchy and low budget, I thought this movie was well written and well executed. It won't be making the best of list, but this is the perfect home as a surprise hit.

2. The Promotion
A quirkey comedy about two men (John C. Reily and the Stifler guy) vying for a manager position in a local supermarket chain. This film, much like In Good Company and The Weatherman, is surprising because it seemlessly blends comedy and tension without gagging us with it (see Mr. Woodcock with Stifler for a perfect constrast of style). The trailer made the movie seem almost forgettable, but I went out on a whim and decided to check it out. In the end, I found it to be one of the better comedies of the year. Who would have thunk it?

3. Pineapple Express
First, I didn't want to make this last one a comedy but I had no other option. Second, I know what you're thinking...how could a movie with Seth Rogan be "surprisingly"good right now. To be honest, I really wasn't expecting much from the movie. I thought the trailer was boring and the rated R clips just showed scenes of Rogan and Franco smoking pot. That didn't really seem all too entertaining to me. Pothead comedies always play by the same rules and even though I read all about how the movie was going to be a stoner action flick, the promos did not convey that to me. I was actually looking forward to hating it so I could have some reason not to sanctify the "Apatow crew" for everything. Unfortunately, this movie defied my expectations. The story was well done and the humor was atypical for a stoner movie. Overall, probably my favorite comedy of the year (though I still need to see Zach and Miri).

I'm tired now.