Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
2008: Biggest Surprises and Biggest Letdowns
I was really hoping that I'd have an opportunity to compile a "Best of" movie list before the new year, but there is simply too much to see before then. I then thought about listing out the biggest suck-fest movies of the year, but I'm not really one to pay to see a movie I know is going to, well, suck. I did not see Jumper, The Eye, College Road Trip, W., or The Love Guru (to name a brief few) because, quite frankly, there was no appeal. I really don't think my biases are keeping me from a worthwhile experience in any of these cases. By all means, please prove me wrong.
In lieu of not being fully equipped to bring the best/worst of the year, I'll hit your shit with what I felt were the biggest surprises and biggest letdowns.
Bad news first.
1. The X-Files: I Want to Believe
I will preface this by saying that on a scale of 1-10 for X-files nerdiness, I'm probably a solid 5 or 6. I used to watch the show very regularly in my childhood for the fright factor alone. As I matured, I continued watching as I began to increasingly understand the plots and themes better. I, like many people, stopped watching regularly during the last season when they kicked out Duchovney and replaced him with T-1000 (I mean, wtf right?). I never even knew how the series ended-a fact I could readily accept. That being said, I was moderatly surprised but also curious by the announcement of a new film story line that would be independent of the series. If the original producer and actors were on board, why wouldn't it work? Good question it turns out. From beginning to end the movie was extremely boring. There was little or no suspense, no dark humor, and no sexual tension between Molder and Scully. Maybe I missed something along the way but *Spoiler Alert* less than an hour into the movie it just shows them in bed together. I mean, I agree, it needed to happen...but the pay out was like a premature ejaculate all in the face of every "believer" out there. Anyway, long story short, I turned the movie off half way through because I was literally bored out of my mind. I could care less how it ended. I hope there was a giant space ship that destroyed the earth or something. At least then every fan would have some closure (though I'm sure the box office tank pretty much assures a fatality for sure).
2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I actually don't even want to analyze this. Taking a good actor/director combo and a solid franchise movie and trying to squeeze out another buck from the eager consumer is a great business plan. And hey, it worked. I just didn't like the movie at all. Trust me, I wanted to, but I just couldn't.
3. Hancock
Q: Kyle, do you like drinking alchol and using profain language? A: Hell yes.
Q: Kyle, do you like superheroes? A: Why yes I do.
Q: Kyle, do you like Will Smith? A: Fucking LOVE him.
Q: Kyle, did you like Hancock, a movie in which Will Smith plays an alcoholic and profain superhero? A: Mmmm, not so much.
Not the worst movie of the year, but just not as good as I would have liked. The formula was there, unfortunately everyone from top to bottom just fell through on execution.
Ok, out with the bad and in with the Good.
1. The Foot Fist Way
Ok, it was made in 2006 but it did not receive distribution until 2008 so back off fuckers. Danny Mcbride had a comedic coming out party in 2008 and this film displays his talents in full force. He is on screen for over 98% of the movie and thats about how much of the time I found myself laughing. While very raunchy and low budget, I thought this movie was well written and well executed. It won't be making the best of list, but this is the perfect home as a surprise hit.
2. The Promotion
A quirkey comedy about two men (John C. Reily and the Stifler guy) vying for a manager position in a local supermarket chain. This film, much like In Good Company and The Weatherman, is surprising because it seemlessly blends comedy and tension without gagging us with it (see Mr. Woodcock with Stifler for a perfect constrast of style). The trailer made the movie seem almost forgettable, but I went out on a whim and decided to check it out. In the end, I found it to be one of the better comedies of the year. Who would have thunk it?
3. Pineapple Express
First, I didn't want to make this last one a comedy but I had no other option. Second, I know what you're thinking...how could a movie with Seth Rogan be "surprisingly"good right now. To be honest, I really wasn't expecting much from the movie. I thought the trailer was boring and the rated R clips just showed scenes of Rogan and Franco smoking pot. That didn't really seem all too entertaining to me. Pothead comedies always play by the same rules and even though I read all about how the movie was going to be a stoner action flick, the promos did not convey that to me. I was actually looking forward to hating it so I could have some reason not to sanctify the "Apatow crew" for everything. Unfortunately, this movie defied my expectations. The story was well done and the humor was atypical for a stoner movie. Overall, probably my favorite comedy of the year (though I still need to see Zach and Miri).
I'm tired now.
In lieu of not being fully equipped to bring the best/worst of the year, I'll hit your shit with what I felt were the biggest surprises and biggest letdowns.
Bad news first.
1. The X-Files: I Want to Believe
I will preface this by saying that on a scale of 1-10 for X-files nerdiness, I'm probably a solid 5 or 6. I used to watch the show very regularly in my childhood for the fright factor alone. As I matured, I continued watching as I began to increasingly understand the plots and themes better. I, like many people, stopped watching regularly during the last season when they kicked out Duchovney and replaced him with T-1000 (I mean, wtf right?). I never even knew how the series ended-a fact I could readily accept. That being said, I was moderatly surprised but also curious by the announcement of a new film story line that would be independent of the series. If the original producer and actors were on board, why wouldn't it work? Good question it turns out. From beginning to end the movie was extremely boring. There was little or no suspense, no dark humor, and no sexual tension between Molder and Scully. Maybe I missed something along the way but *Spoiler Alert* less than an hour into the movie it just shows them in bed together. I mean, I agree, it needed to happen...but the pay out was like a premature ejaculate all in the face of every "believer" out there. Anyway, long story short, I turned the movie off half way through because I was literally bored out of my mind. I could care less how it ended. I hope there was a giant space ship that destroyed the earth or something. At least then every fan would have some closure (though I'm sure the box office tank pretty much assures a fatality for sure).
2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I actually don't even want to analyze this. Taking a good actor/director combo and a solid franchise movie and trying to squeeze out another buck from the eager consumer is a great business plan. And hey, it worked. I just didn't like the movie at all. Trust me, I wanted to, but I just couldn't.
3. Hancock
Q: Kyle, do you like drinking alchol and using profain language? A: Hell yes.
Q: Kyle, do you like superheroes? A: Why yes I do.
Q: Kyle, do you like Will Smith? A: Fucking LOVE him.
Q: Kyle, did you like Hancock, a movie in which Will Smith plays an alcoholic and profain superhero? A: Mmmm, not so much.
Not the worst movie of the year, but just not as good as I would have liked. The formula was there, unfortunately everyone from top to bottom just fell through on execution.
Ok, out with the bad and in with the Good.
1. The Foot Fist Way
Ok, it was made in 2006 but it did not receive distribution until 2008 so back off fuckers. Danny Mcbride had a comedic coming out party in 2008 and this film displays his talents in full force. He is on screen for over 98% of the movie and thats about how much of the time I found myself laughing. While very raunchy and low budget, I thought this movie was well written and well executed. It won't be making the best of list, but this is the perfect home as a surprise hit.
2. The Promotion
A quirkey comedy about two men (John C. Reily and the Stifler guy) vying for a manager position in a local supermarket chain. This film, much like In Good Company and The Weatherman, is surprising because it seemlessly blends comedy and tension without gagging us with it (see Mr. Woodcock with Stifler for a perfect constrast of style). The trailer made the movie seem almost forgettable, but I went out on a whim and decided to check it out. In the end, I found it to be one of the better comedies of the year. Who would have thunk it?
3. Pineapple Express
First, I didn't want to make this last one a comedy but I had no other option. Second, I know what you're thinking...how could a movie with Seth Rogan be "surprisingly"good right now. To be honest, I really wasn't expecting much from the movie. I thought the trailer was boring and the rated R clips just showed scenes of Rogan and Franco smoking pot. That didn't really seem all too entertaining to me. Pothead comedies always play by the same rules and even though I read all about how the movie was going to be a stoner action flick, the promos did not convey that to me. I was actually looking forward to hating it so I could have some reason not to sanctify the "Apatow crew" for everything. Unfortunately, this movie defied my expectations. The story was well done and the humor was atypical for a stoner movie. Overall, probably my favorite comedy of the year (though I still need to see Zach and Miri).
I'm tired now.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
As I Heard It: The Top 10 Albums of 2008
I know that we set this up originally as a music blog, but Grant wrote that bullshit about cereal, so I figured this wouldn't be too far off topic.
The following is a list of the Top Ten albums of the year according to me. I haven't heard everything, so, inevitably, someone will argue I left something off the list. I'm only one man. What can I do?
So here goes:
10. Weezer-The Red Album: Let's just put everything on the table--this album only made the list because it was Weezer. Originally it wasn't even on my list, I bumped The Raconteurs' 2008 release (which sucked anyway) to make room for it, but I remembered it came out right before I started typing this up, so here we are. Having said that, there are a few good songs on this album, and it was much more fun to listen to than Maladroit or Make Believe. What's unfortunate, and seems to be Weezer's M.O. is that the bonus tracks and b-sides are better than most of songs they put on the album. "Prodigy Lover" was far and away the best track that came out of the Maladroit recording sessions, and most people have never heard it. "Miss Sweeney," "Pig," and "King" are better than at least three tracks on the actual album. Key Tracks: "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations on a Shaker Hymn)," "The Angel and the One." Skip: Almost everything else.
9. Death Cab for Cutie-Narrow Stairs: I feel Death Cab for Cutie has become fairly formulaic at this point. I don't mean in the way that most pop musicians are formulaic, I just mean that Death Cab has figured out what works for them and they do not deviate much from it. Make no mistake, this is no Transatlanticism or The Photo Album, but there are a few good tracks on this album that you'll want to listen to more than once. Key Tracks: "You Can Do Better Than Me," "Grapevine Fires," "Long Division." Skip: "I Will Possess Your Heart." The song is 8:26 of the same thing. I can listen to a song for almost nine minutes if you're doing something creative. This one just drags on and on.
8. Kings of Leon-Only by the Night: My review of this will pretty much be a carbon copy of Narrow Stairs. It's good...but it's not their best. I thought "Because of the Times" was the best album of 2007, so they've taken quite a tumble with 2008's offering. They are the New England Patriots of the music industry, only their lead singer didn't get hurt so they don't really have an excuse--just a sub-par album. Only four songs out of eleven are worth listening to, and they come right in a row. They should have just released an EP. Key Tracks: "Use Somebody," "Manhattan," "Revelry," "17." Skip: Everything Else.
7. Gnarls Barkley-The Odd Couple: This album grew on me the more I listened to it. It took me three or four tries to make it all the way through, but I'm ultimately glad I did. This album didn't have the same commercial success as "St. Elsewhere," but I think that has to do with the fact that this lead single ("Run") didn't get stuck in every person in the world's head like "Crazy" did. My dad liked "Crazy" and the last big pop sensation he was familiar with was the Disco Movement. That's impossible to follow up and I think Gnarls made a solid effort. Key Tracks: "Run," "Who's Gonna Save My Soul," "Going On." Skip: "No Time Soon," "Whatever," "Open Book."
6. Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend: Are you planning on tying your sweater around your neck, throwing on your Keds, and heading up to Cape Cod for a nice weekend getaway on your parents' yacht? Then, boy, do I have the album for you. No band has better exemplified the bourgening snoody, pop-rock genre than Vampire Weekend. The album is not as serious or ground-breaking as they consider themselves, but it's fun, beach party music. I mean, if you come from old money. Unfortunately for the boys, the album kind of falls off near the end. Key Tracks: "Mansard Roof," "Oxford Comma," Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa," "M79." Skip: "I Stand Corrected."
5. My Morning Jacket-Evil Urges: Finally, we reach a first on this list: a band that tried something different this time around. When Jim James' vocals kicked in for the first time, it really did surprise me. It sounded more like something I would expect to hear on a Prince album. That was all it took for me to be hooked on this album. On this album, the band tried to mesh more of southern soul and gospel they grew up on into their Country Rock sound. So this comes out sounding more like Otis Redding than the Allman Brothers. Or some weird mix of the two that I'm really in to. Key Tracks: "Evil Urges," "Sec Walkin," "Librarian," "Smokin from Shootin." Skip: "Highly Suspicious"--I don't think it's a terrible song, I just don't think it fits with the rest of the album. I applaud them for trying something on that one, though. It's definitely got a unique sound.
4. Flight of the Conchords-Flight of the Conchords: I, along with every other person in the United States who is into quirky, offbeat comedy, got swept away by the Flight of the Conchords movement circa Summer 2007. A friend sent me the video for "The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room" and I was hooked. I think the thing that distinguishes them from other musical comedy acts, other than their brains, is that they seem to actually have some musical talent and understanding. They aren't just loud mouths who picked up a guitar and learned a few chords one day. *cough Jack Black cough*. It doesn't really matter what Flight of the Conchords is singing about, it would still sound good to my ears. Add in the fact that the songs are genuinely funny, and you've got me on board. Key Tracks: "Ladies of the World," "Think About It," "Leggy Blonde," "Most Beautiful Girl in the Room." Skip: "Foux de Fafa," "Boom."
3. Girl Talk-Feed the Animals: Girl Talk's 2008 album isn't just for drunken hipster dancing anymore. (Although, it's still good for that too.) This album is just a ton of fun to listen to at any time, and unlike the other Girl Talk albums I've heard, it's cohesive. It really tells a story I think. It builds and swells in spots and cools off in others. And going out to Journey's faithfully with Andre 3000 talking over is a great way to end the album. Now, because the album does flow together so well, it's hard to pick out individual tracks that stand-out, so I'll give you a few mash-ups that really work: "No Diggity" by Blackstreet over Kanye's "Flashing Lights," "C.R.E.A.M." over some rock song I can't place, Busta Rhymes over The Police, and Emimem over Feist, just to name a few. Seriously, check this one out.
Before we go any further, I just want to say that numbers one and two were really close for me. I think they are both great albums from opening to close and I'm not going to tell you to skip any tracks on either of these, which is more than I can say for the number one album most years, much less number one AND two. My two favorite albums from last year, the aforementioned Because of the Times and Kanye West's Graduation, both had songs I could do without. That's not the case for these two. Picking just a few "Key Tracks" is going to be tough. Just know that any three or four could be interchanged with no real harm done. I'm just going to pick the few that strike me as I'm typing this.
2. The Black Keys-Attack & Release: This album was originally written to be recorded by Ike Tuner before his death. Unfortunate for Ike Turner, a bit of luck for The Black Keys. This is a brilliant album. It's got just the right amount of blues, rock, folk, and catchy hooks. I had some exposure to The Black Keys prior to this album, but now I've got back and devoured all their old stuff too. Just a great, great band. They do some interesting stuff on this album. For instance, the banjo-driven "Psychotic Girl" is one of the best songs on the album. Key Tracks: "I Got Mine," "Strange Times," "Oceans & Streams."
1. Dr. Dog-Fate: So many bands have been anointed as the next Beatles--Oasis and the Jonas Brothers to name a few ridiculous ones I've heard. Quick tangent: I don't know what it is about our society that we always have to replace our great artists. We're always looking for the next big thing and instantly comparing them to our old favorites. Kobe Bryant is the "next" Michael Jordan. Rob Reiner is the "next" Woody Allen. Nuttella is the "next" Peanut Butter. Why can't Nuttella just be itself, and not have to live up to the exceedingly high expectations established by peanut butter. Now, having said that, I've never heard a band that captures the Beatles' musical essence like Dr. Dog has on this album. They have everything: The catchy melodies, the borderline depressing lyrics, the dueling frontmen. Still, they are not the Beatles. They are Dr. Dog, and I think Dr. Dog is pretty fucking good. The only way we could get a modern Beatles is to take Dr. Dog's music and mix it with The Flaming Lips' live experience. And yet, the mere fact that I'm making this comparison says something great about Dr. Dog. The fact that they are half-Beatles is pretty damn good. That's half more than Oasis or the Jonas Brothers. Key Tracks: "Army of Ancients," "The Breeze," "Hang On," "The Rabbit, The Bat, and the Reindeer," "The Ark."
The following is a list of the Top Ten albums of the year according to me. I haven't heard everything, so, inevitably, someone will argue I left something off the list. I'm only one man. What can I do?
So here goes:
10. Weezer-The Red Album: Let's just put everything on the table--this album only made the list because it was Weezer. Originally it wasn't even on my list, I bumped The Raconteurs' 2008 release (which sucked anyway) to make room for it, but I remembered it came out right before I started typing this up, so here we are. Having said that, there are a few good songs on this album, and it was much more fun to listen to than Maladroit or Make Believe. What's unfortunate, and seems to be Weezer's M.O. is that the bonus tracks and b-sides are better than most of songs they put on the album. "Prodigy Lover" was far and away the best track that came out of the Maladroit recording sessions, and most people have never heard it. "Miss Sweeney," "Pig," and "King" are better than at least three tracks on the actual album. Key Tracks: "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations on a Shaker Hymn)," "The Angel and the One." Skip: Almost everything else.
9. Death Cab for Cutie-Narrow Stairs: I feel Death Cab for Cutie has become fairly formulaic at this point. I don't mean in the way that most pop musicians are formulaic, I just mean that Death Cab has figured out what works for them and they do not deviate much from it. Make no mistake, this is no Transatlanticism or The Photo Album, but there are a few good tracks on this album that you'll want to listen to more than once. Key Tracks: "You Can Do Better Than Me," "Grapevine Fires," "Long Division." Skip: "I Will Possess Your Heart." The song is 8:26 of the same thing. I can listen to a song for almost nine minutes if you're doing something creative. This one just drags on and on.
8. Kings of Leon-Only by the Night: My review of this will pretty much be a carbon copy of Narrow Stairs. It's good...but it's not their best. I thought "Because of the Times" was the best album of 2007, so they've taken quite a tumble with 2008's offering. They are the New England Patriots of the music industry, only their lead singer didn't get hurt so they don't really have an excuse--just a sub-par album. Only four songs out of eleven are worth listening to, and they come right in a row. They should have just released an EP. Key Tracks: "Use Somebody," "Manhattan," "Revelry," "17." Skip: Everything Else.
7. Gnarls Barkley-The Odd Couple: This album grew on me the more I listened to it. It took me three or four tries to make it all the way through, but I'm ultimately glad I did. This album didn't have the same commercial success as "St. Elsewhere," but I think that has to do with the fact that this lead single ("Run") didn't get stuck in every person in the world's head like "Crazy" did. My dad liked "Crazy" and the last big pop sensation he was familiar with was the Disco Movement. That's impossible to follow up and I think Gnarls made a solid effort. Key Tracks: "Run," "Who's Gonna Save My Soul," "Going On." Skip: "No Time Soon," "Whatever," "Open Book."
6. Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend: Are you planning on tying your sweater around your neck, throwing on your Keds, and heading up to Cape Cod for a nice weekend getaway on your parents' yacht? Then, boy, do I have the album for you. No band has better exemplified the bourgening snoody, pop-rock genre than Vampire Weekend. The album is not as serious or ground-breaking as they consider themselves, but it's fun, beach party music. I mean, if you come from old money. Unfortunately for the boys, the album kind of falls off near the end. Key Tracks: "Mansard Roof," "Oxford Comma," Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa," "M79." Skip: "I Stand Corrected."
5. My Morning Jacket-Evil Urges: Finally, we reach a first on this list: a band that tried something different this time around. When Jim James' vocals kicked in for the first time, it really did surprise me. It sounded more like something I would expect to hear on a Prince album. That was all it took for me to be hooked on this album. On this album, the band tried to mesh more of southern soul and gospel they grew up on into their Country Rock sound. So this comes out sounding more like Otis Redding than the Allman Brothers. Or some weird mix of the two that I'm really in to. Key Tracks: "Evil Urges," "Sec Walkin," "Librarian," "Smokin from Shootin." Skip: "Highly Suspicious"--I don't think it's a terrible song, I just don't think it fits with the rest of the album. I applaud them for trying something on that one, though. It's definitely got a unique sound.
4. Flight of the Conchords-Flight of the Conchords: I, along with every other person in the United States who is into quirky, offbeat comedy, got swept away by the Flight of the Conchords movement circa Summer 2007. A friend sent me the video for "The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room" and I was hooked. I think the thing that distinguishes them from other musical comedy acts, other than their brains, is that they seem to actually have some musical talent and understanding. They aren't just loud mouths who picked up a guitar and learned a few chords one day. *cough Jack Black cough*. It doesn't really matter what Flight of the Conchords is singing about, it would still sound good to my ears. Add in the fact that the songs are genuinely funny, and you've got me on board. Key Tracks: "Ladies of the World," "Think About It," "Leggy Blonde," "Most Beautiful Girl in the Room." Skip: "Foux de Fafa," "Boom."
3. Girl Talk-Feed the Animals: Girl Talk's 2008 album isn't just for drunken hipster dancing anymore. (Although, it's still good for that too.) This album is just a ton of fun to listen to at any time, and unlike the other Girl Talk albums I've heard, it's cohesive. It really tells a story I think. It builds and swells in spots and cools off in others. And going out to Journey's faithfully with Andre 3000 talking over is a great way to end the album. Now, because the album does flow together so well, it's hard to pick out individual tracks that stand-out, so I'll give you a few mash-ups that really work: "No Diggity" by Blackstreet over Kanye's "Flashing Lights," "C.R.E.A.M." over some rock song I can't place, Busta Rhymes over The Police, and Emimem over Feist, just to name a few. Seriously, check this one out.
Before we go any further, I just want to say that numbers one and two were really close for me. I think they are both great albums from opening to close and I'm not going to tell you to skip any tracks on either of these, which is more than I can say for the number one album most years, much less number one AND two. My two favorite albums from last year, the aforementioned Because of the Times and Kanye West's Graduation, both had songs I could do without. That's not the case for these two. Picking just a few "Key Tracks" is going to be tough. Just know that any three or four could be interchanged with no real harm done. I'm just going to pick the few that strike me as I'm typing this.
2. The Black Keys-Attack & Release: This album was originally written to be recorded by Ike Tuner before his death. Unfortunate for Ike Turner, a bit of luck for The Black Keys. This is a brilliant album. It's got just the right amount of blues, rock, folk, and catchy hooks. I had some exposure to The Black Keys prior to this album, but now I've got back and devoured all their old stuff too. Just a great, great band. They do some interesting stuff on this album. For instance, the banjo-driven "Psychotic Girl" is one of the best songs on the album. Key Tracks: "I Got Mine," "Strange Times," "Oceans & Streams."
1. Dr. Dog-Fate: So many bands have been anointed as the next Beatles--Oasis and the Jonas Brothers to name a few ridiculous ones I've heard. Quick tangent: I don't know what it is about our society that we always have to replace our great artists. We're always looking for the next big thing and instantly comparing them to our old favorites. Kobe Bryant is the "next" Michael Jordan. Rob Reiner is the "next" Woody Allen. Nuttella is the "next" Peanut Butter. Why can't Nuttella just be itself, and not have to live up to the exceedingly high expectations established by peanut butter. Now, having said that, I've never heard a band that captures the Beatles' musical essence like Dr. Dog has on this album. They have everything: The catchy melodies, the borderline depressing lyrics, the dueling frontmen. Still, they are not the Beatles. They are Dr. Dog, and I think Dr. Dog is pretty fucking good. The only way we could get a modern Beatles is to take Dr. Dog's music and mix it with The Flaming Lips' live experience. And yet, the mere fact that I'm making this comparison says something great about Dr. Dog. The fact that they are half-Beatles is pretty damn good. That's half more than Oasis or the Jonas Brothers. Key Tracks: "Army of Ancients," "The Breeze," "Hang On," "The Rabbit, The Bat, and the Reindeer," "The Ark."
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Cereal Review: Dino S'mores Pebbles
I've always enjoyed Fruity Pebbles, and I think of all its competitors, Cocoa Pebbles does the best job of making your milk chocolatey. So as a fan of the Pebbles cereals, I was expecting good things from Dino's latest extension of the brand. After all, there hasn't really been a good s'mores flavored cereal on the market since General Mills introduced (and subsequently discontinued) S'mores Grahams in the late 90's. In 2003, Kellog's seized the opportunity to fill in this gap with Smorz, which is still available today. But aside from its name, Smorz shares little in common with its namesake. Sure, it has marshmallows, but its chocolate/graham flavored "puffs" are hardly an acceptable substitute for actual s'mores. S'mores Grahams, on the other hand, were the real deal: graham cracker cereal pieces covered in gooey chocolate and tiny marshmallows. Only Kellogg's Eggo Cereal comes as close to tasting like its real life counterpart.So does Dino S'mores Pebbles deliver an authentic s'mores breakfast experience? Not even close. The box advertises "marshmallowy boulders", "graham bone shapes", and "crunchy chocolatey nuggets". These gimmicky pieces are much smaller than they look on the box, and the nugget-to-marshmallow ratio shown is extremely deceptive. This cereal is overwhelmingly made up of the "nuggets," which are far less chocolatey than Cocoa Pebbles. For that matter, they don't even look like Pebbles! What gives? The "bone shapes" are negligible; they're too few and far between to matter, not to mention they taste more like dog treats than graham crackers. With so many excellent marshmallow-based cereals out there, you'd think they'd at least get that part right, right? Wrong. Marshmallows are supposed to be soft. These little fuckers nearly made me chip a tooth. It doesn't help that everything else turns to mush after 5 seconds in milk. I'm almost pissed at my mom for buying this for me. Dino should be ashamed of himself. I give this shit NO SPOONS!
Edit: I just realized I entirely missed that Dino S'mores rhymes with dinosaurs, but only if you mispronounce Dino's name. Fail.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Gatta-suck
So I decided to watch a bad movie.
Gattaca was directed and written in 1997 by Andrew Niccol. Who? Yeah I know. He also wrote and directed Lord of War. He and Ethan Hawke are a regular Denzel and Spike. So the movie begins and they introduce us to Ethan Hawke, who we are meant to think of as a bad boy, in a super erotic shower scene. He paints on a fake fingertip and gets through security and yeah, he looks cool doing it. Then the characters start speaking and you realize this is one of those movies where people don’t speak normally. Very, very, very scripted, which surprised me, because most blockbusters these days don’t do that anymore, instead preferring a more natural and less Shakespearean tone, and thus I was caught off guard. It was the first time I laughed out loud, but it wouldn’t be the last. So then we are forced to be confused about what we are seeing until about 20 minutes in (at least it felt that long) when Ethan starts voicing over. What? They made us watch a 10-minute shower scene with no dialogue and now they decide to explain things with a voiceover? Information is being hurled at us in a weird montage, then we are flashed back to his childhood, while he continues to voiceover all of his thoughts. My memories certainly aren’t that flawless from when I was 2 years old. He gives us his whole life, which I hate in movies, because the director is basically telling you what to think of his character, by analyzing his childhood. (The alternative being Godfather II, where a character’s childhood takes on a life of its own through a crazy thing called acting and gives you an appreciation of the character without it being imposed on you).
To make a dumb story short, we find out Ethan is genetically predisposed to have a heart failure, part of a minority group of people that are now discriminated against in society. His father loathes him and his younger brother is better in every way. He grows up to be a custodian, and is a dork, and grows increasingly unhappy about being a victim to genecism. Bad genes are the new black. Then, in the span of two minutes we get three awesome cameos, and two new main characters. Ernest Borgnine, Tony Shaloub, Gore Vidal, and love interest Uma Thurman (this rivals poison ivy as her worst role ever) and then the kicker…Jude Law?! I had no idea he was in this film, or maybe I did, and then forgot. Anyway, at the time, Monk and Ethan Hawke are talking about some dude, then they cut to whom they are talking about and it is a mute jude law in a wheelchair smoking a cigarette. I was by myself, but it didn’t stop me from laughing out loud again. Mya Rudolph is a background character for about 3 milliseconds (Did you know she is married to Paul Thomas Anderson? Did you know that Magnolia sucks?)
Ethan hawke gets some graphic (off-screen) surgery to make him 3 inches taller to take the place of jude law in society. You see he steals jude’s blood, single fingerprint (lol’d on that one too, and started to consider this a comedy), and piss. Why would jude let him do it? Because he’s crippled now and thus has no need to work in the real world, or something. Oh and ethan pays his rent. So now the plot is setup, and they immediately hit us with a whammy: a murder was committed at ethan’s new place of work (“no one has figured out my secret identity or even come close” -- Foooorrreeeeeeshadowing) and a new team comes in and investigates for foul play. OH NOES! What if they find some of ethans invalid skin or hair?! He’ll be done fer!! Well as long as they don’t catch him before he makes it into space on Friday, then he’ll be ok. Yeah, if you have or haven’t watched the movie, you won’t understand why he is going to space, so that’s an unimportant detail. Literally the next one and half hours consists of ethan cleverly escaping and outwitting blood tests and urine samples, no kidding. It’s like a thriller without the suspense. And then it hits you, Gattaca is a work made only the letters G, A, C, and T, the first letters of the four base pairs of DNA, and that particular sequence codes for 99% chance of heart disease (or maybe I just filled that part in mentally). Clever. In a rather homoerotic scene with judd and ethan, it is revealed that ethan really wants to go to space because he will feel weightless, and thus like he is in his mother’s womb. Oh his life is so bad, and you want a retroactive abortion? Black people were enslaved and you were a custodian. Slight difference. So then judd and ethan do some more gay stuff, and you find out that judd is paralyzed because he tried to commit suicide. Then some more gay stuff, you know, just looks and half smiles and cleverness. It was then that I realized I was watching a crappy, homo erotic version of minority report, and ethan hawke, ladies and gents, is no tom cruise. In addition to the obvious plot similarities to minority report, it is also very similar to that other bad movie from around this time with Christian Bale, Equilibrium, in fact now that I think about it, very similar. A guy living his whole life as another in a dystopic society (subtract eugenics and add prescription drugs as the tool of fear. I love it when Hollywood propagates mistrust of science).
I can usually measure the budget and talent of a film/director by the voice over work and sound track, and let’s just say that those things sucked. One particularly awful scene involves more gay stuff with judd and ethan, where ethan doesn’t speak for 3 minutes during a conversation and only communicates with nods and looks. And another when he has to cross a busy highway without his contacts. Hilarious.
So finally, Uma figures out Ethan ain’t Ethan, and she is aroused, segue to a disorientating upside-down beach-side sex scene. I really think that if they developed a sexual relationship with Judd and Ethan out in the open and just acknowledged it, the film would be way better, and Judd might have even received an Oscar nod, seriously, if there is only one good part of the movie, it’s him. Toward the middle/end of the film he degenerates into a sort of jilted lover, stuck in a love triangle with Ethan and Uma. He really does a brilliant job, with very little to work with. The direction definitely isn’t bad, just uninspired. If it had done anything unique besides carbon copying every bad science fiction movie in which some new technology is exploited and the world turns dystopic, I might have enjoyed it. And since Orwell introduced the genre with 1984, hardly anyone has gotten it correct, with the exception of Alfonso Cuaron in Children of Men. But that’s for another day. Gattaca is really not good enough to laud, and not bad enough to enjoy. It is trapped in between with the likes of American Gangster or X-men 3.
Although I’ve been slamming the movie, the Oscar nomination it received for art direction is definitely deserving. Dozens of movies have cartoonishly copied it, like Aeon Flux or even The Matrix, where every scene was shaded in a single color. 21 Grams comes to mind as a movie that took that and used for good, rather than evil. So the point is, I did enjoy the art direction and I will argue with anyone that it single-handedly implies a dystopia rather than a utopia (dusty oranges and yellows, and puke greens), although I wish someone had told the actual director that.
Name me one movie that Ethan Hawke has been good in. That is the ultimate flaw of gattaca. Bad score, bad voice overs, (some aerial shots of dude butt, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing) a very bad script, and worse acting (minus Jude). Ultimately, the movie concentrates too hard on the genetics aspect to ever really develop the relationship between ethan and his brother for us to care. They basically yell the morels at you by the end, yet most gratifying-ly, the film didn’t end with a stupid plot twist (like most science fiction movies this bad, Imposter anybody?), it just ended.
Just like this review.
Gattaca was directed and written in 1997 by Andrew Niccol. Who? Yeah I know. He also wrote and directed Lord of War. He and Ethan Hawke are a regular Denzel and Spike. So the movie begins and they introduce us to Ethan Hawke, who we are meant to think of as a bad boy, in a super erotic shower scene. He paints on a fake fingertip and gets through security and yeah, he looks cool doing it. Then the characters start speaking and you realize this is one of those movies where people don’t speak normally. Very, very, very scripted, which surprised me, because most blockbusters these days don’t do that anymore, instead preferring a more natural and less Shakespearean tone, and thus I was caught off guard. It was the first time I laughed out loud, but it wouldn’t be the last. So then we are forced to be confused about what we are seeing until about 20 minutes in (at least it felt that long) when Ethan starts voicing over. What? They made us watch a 10-minute shower scene with no dialogue and now they decide to explain things with a voiceover? Information is being hurled at us in a weird montage, then we are flashed back to his childhood, while he continues to voiceover all of his thoughts. My memories certainly aren’t that flawless from when I was 2 years old. He gives us his whole life, which I hate in movies, because the director is basically telling you what to think of his character, by analyzing his childhood. (The alternative being Godfather II, where a character’s childhood takes on a life of its own through a crazy thing called acting and gives you an appreciation of the character without it being imposed on you).
To make a dumb story short, we find out Ethan is genetically predisposed to have a heart failure, part of a minority group of people that are now discriminated against in society. His father loathes him and his younger brother is better in every way. He grows up to be a custodian, and is a dork, and grows increasingly unhappy about being a victim to genecism. Bad genes are the new black. Then, in the span of two minutes we get three awesome cameos, and two new main characters. Ernest Borgnine, Tony Shaloub, Gore Vidal, and love interest Uma Thurman (this rivals poison ivy as her worst role ever) and then the kicker…Jude Law?! I had no idea he was in this film, or maybe I did, and then forgot. Anyway, at the time, Monk and Ethan Hawke are talking about some dude, then they cut to whom they are talking about and it is a mute jude law in a wheelchair smoking a cigarette. I was by myself, but it didn’t stop me from laughing out loud again. Mya Rudolph is a background character for about 3 milliseconds (Did you know she is married to Paul Thomas Anderson? Did you know that Magnolia sucks?)
Ethan hawke gets some graphic (off-screen) surgery to make him 3 inches taller to take the place of jude law in society. You see he steals jude’s blood, single fingerprint (lol’d on that one too, and started to consider this a comedy), and piss. Why would jude let him do it? Because he’s crippled now and thus has no need to work in the real world, or something. Oh and ethan pays his rent. So now the plot is setup, and they immediately hit us with a whammy: a murder was committed at ethan’s new place of work (“no one has figured out my secret identity or even come close” -- Foooorrreeeeeeshadowing) and a new team comes in and investigates for foul play. OH NOES! What if they find some of ethans invalid skin or hair?! He’ll be done fer!! Well as long as they don’t catch him before he makes it into space on Friday, then he’ll be ok. Yeah, if you have or haven’t watched the movie, you won’t understand why he is going to space, so that’s an unimportant detail. Literally the next one and half hours consists of ethan cleverly escaping and outwitting blood tests and urine samples, no kidding. It’s like a thriller without the suspense. And then it hits you, Gattaca is a work made only the letters G, A, C, and T, the first letters of the four base pairs of DNA, and that particular sequence codes for 99% chance of heart disease (or maybe I just filled that part in mentally). Clever. In a rather homoerotic scene with judd and ethan, it is revealed that ethan really wants to go to space because he will feel weightless, and thus like he is in his mother’s womb. Oh his life is so bad, and you want a retroactive abortion? Black people were enslaved and you were a custodian. Slight difference. So then judd and ethan do some more gay stuff, and you find out that judd is paralyzed because he tried to commit suicide. Then some more gay stuff, you know, just looks and half smiles and cleverness. It was then that I realized I was watching a crappy, homo erotic version of minority report, and ethan hawke, ladies and gents, is no tom cruise. In addition to the obvious plot similarities to minority report, it is also very similar to that other bad movie from around this time with Christian Bale, Equilibrium, in fact now that I think about it, very similar. A guy living his whole life as another in a dystopic society (subtract eugenics and add prescription drugs as the tool of fear. I love it when Hollywood propagates mistrust of science).
I can usually measure the budget and talent of a film/director by the voice over work and sound track, and let’s just say that those things sucked. One particularly awful scene involves more gay stuff with judd and ethan, where ethan doesn’t speak for 3 minutes during a conversation and only communicates with nods and looks. And another when he has to cross a busy highway without his contacts. Hilarious.
So finally, Uma figures out Ethan ain’t Ethan, and she is aroused, segue to a disorientating upside-down beach-side sex scene. I really think that if they developed a sexual relationship with Judd and Ethan out in the open and just acknowledged it, the film would be way better, and Judd might have even received an Oscar nod, seriously, if there is only one good part of the movie, it’s him. Toward the middle/end of the film he degenerates into a sort of jilted lover, stuck in a love triangle with Ethan and Uma. He really does a brilliant job, with very little to work with. The direction definitely isn’t bad, just uninspired. If it had done anything unique besides carbon copying every bad science fiction movie in which some new technology is exploited and the world turns dystopic, I might have enjoyed it. And since Orwell introduced the genre with 1984, hardly anyone has gotten it correct, with the exception of Alfonso Cuaron in Children of Men. But that’s for another day. Gattaca is really not good enough to laud, and not bad enough to enjoy. It is trapped in between with the likes of American Gangster or X-men 3.
Although I’ve been slamming the movie, the Oscar nomination it received for art direction is definitely deserving. Dozens of movies have cartoonishly copied it, like Aeon Flux or even The Matrix, where every scene was shaded in a single color. 21 Grams comes to mind as a movie that took that and used for good, rather than evil. So the point is, I did enjoy the art direction and I will argue with anyone that it single-handedly implies a dystopia rather than a utopia (dusty oranges and yellows, and puke greens), although I wish someone had told the actual director that.
Name me one movie that Ethan Hawke has been good in. That is the ultimate flaw of gattaca. Bad score, bad voice overs, (some aerial shots of dude butt, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing) a very bad script, and worse acting (minus Jude). Ultimately, the movie concentrates too hard on the genetics aspect to ever really develop the relationship between ethan and his brother for us to care. They basically yell the morels at you by the end, yet most gratifying-ly, the film didn’t end with a stupid plot twist (like most science fiction movies this bad, Imposter anybody?), it just ended.
Just like this review.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)